Exposure: The Paradox Series

In all my explorations of art (and life) I keep running up against this idea that has become a personal truth for me. I mentioned it in my principles. I find truth in paradoxes. What I mean is that I hit this explorational end point where two things that seemingly shouldn’t coexist, do. It seems counterintuitive and yet they do. Again and again, when I find some new level of understanding it is cloaked in paradox. For me creativity is fraught with paradoxes. Exposure is one such paradoxical truth.

The reason I struggled so much with the final edits of this website and then announcing it on social media—heck, even participating in social media in the first place, is quite simply fear of exposure. That fear always comes back to the same root: who do I think I am? Who do I think I am to ask people to join me on my creative journey? Who do I think I am to assume anyone would ever possibly be interested? Who do I think I am to believe that I’m interesting in the first place? The questions could go on and on. That refrain can be debilitating. 

And here’s the paradox: I deeply desire to be seen, to expose myself. I cannot seem to shake it. That desire has followed me around my whole life to the point that it’s become impossible to ignore. For me, I now believe that it is rooted in my commitment to love and value myself. Now the desire to be seen and to expose myself isn’t actually about the approval or the opinions of others. It’s a very internal need. I expose myself because it is my way to affirm again and again that I am worthy and deserving. I am worthy of speaking. I am worthy of making myself known—even if it’s only to myself.

As I sit here typing this blog piece I catch myself experiencing the very messiness of this paradox. On the one hand, I think, “blah, blah, blah, boring; who wants to read this shit?” And then the other part of me, frankly the healthier side, says, “oh, shut up! And Nichole, post, dammit!” This is one of the million reasons I love the arts. They give me the chance consistently and regularly to challenge myself. I always have the chance to face a fear. I always have the chance to give myself the gift of courage. I always have the chance to connect with others. So, exposure here I come in as many forms as I can handle.

PS: I just finished a new feature length screenplay, I shot a small role in a film that I'm very excited about, I hope to develop a podcast with my sister in the next couple of months, a short documentary I made with a friend was just accepted into a festival, I am now committed to posting blog pieces here and launching a screenwriters group for pay (who the hell do I think I am!).