Sometimes It's Hard

I went round and round about what to write this week. Do I go to my trusty calendar where I brainstormed blog topics through the end of March? Do I stick to the plan or do I write more from the heart? I feel the tug to write from the heart.

I am calling today my Tender Day. I’m in the midst of an emotional hangover from a callback this week for a commercial that went fine. No big embarrassing moments. Not much to speak of really in terms of the actual moment in the room with all the people.

Just for context, callbacks are the second round of auditioning. First round is typically with the casting director who shares the videoed audition with the client who then chooses whom they want to see again. If chosen, you get a callback where the room is relatively crowded with any combination of the director, producer, the product client, and even the agency folks. I am always grateful to make it to the callback stage.

While waiting outside the room for this callback, I found myself distracted. I’ve been at this for a while so I see the same folks again and again. We all match the demographic of ethnically ambiguous mom over forty. Fine, I’ll take it. I was distracted by this one woman in particular, mostly because I was struck by her beauty and style and I also knew we were up for the same role.

My thoughts went like this: “wow, she’s gorgeous. I love her style. She’s so beautiful and elegant. They’re totally gonna choose her. Hell, I’d choose her over me any day.” And it was sort of light and fun until this point when it sunk in what I had just voiced to myself. I made it through the actual time in the room as I described above: fine.

But what I can see in hindsight is that it wasn’t actually fine. I’d just had a whole inner talk with myself where I basically told myself that I wasn’t enough and that I was in direct competition with someone who I believed to better than me. Ugh.

So this week has been about being honest with myself about how I feel. Do I really think I’m inferior and not enough? There was a time when I would have minimized my experience or flat-out denied it in hopes of outrunning it. But I know something different now. Now I know that shining light on thoughts like these takes away their power. It is only by being truthful that I have the chance to uproot and kick out such negative feelings.

Needless to say, I didn’t book the job. I would’ve loved to book it but I also know that I don’t need to book it and in fact, it’s probably way more beneficial to me that I didn’t. I don’t like sitting in the discomfort and I would never want to derive my strength and self-love from an external source. Now, I have a choice: love myself through this and affirm that I am enough just as I am or give in to that savage inner critic that says I’m not enough.

I choose myself and I choose to affirm my worthiness. I allow myself to admire that mystery woman for her gifts and know that I can admire her without diminishing myself. I remember that I am grateful for this opportunity to face my gremlins in an affirming way. Finally, I hold onto one of my favorite affirmations: everything in my life works out for my highest good. Out of every situation, only good will come and I am safe.