Crumbs

My brain loves a good simile. I struggled there for a minute–do I mean a metaphor? An analogy? I thought back to Mrs. Stevens (not to be confused with Mrs. Stephens with a ‘ph’) from 7th grade at West Junior High. She killed and drilled us on literary terms but funnily enough it didn’t ruin my interest in literary terms. I like that I can do a brain scan and remember that a simile is a comparison that uses ‘like’ or ‘as.’

Where am I going with all this? I had an experience this morning that I likened to crumbs and my tendency to drop them often. I was sent a request from my accountant to fill out a form. He insisted that it was easy but that I could have him do it. What I love about him is that he reminded me that having him fill it out comes with an hourly rate and he’s always mindful about full disclosure and helping me save money where I can. 

Here’s what I would typically do: I would read the email, feel a sense of anxiety about the difficulty of the form–mind you, without actually opening it or checking on the reality of that assumption. Then I would file it away thinking, ‘I’ll get to that soon,’ only to ignore it and let my inbox fill up. Then, at some point, my accountant would check back in and I’d respond in a panicky way that I’d better just allow him to fill it out for me and I’d get his bill and pay it with a sense of relief but also a tinge of shame. 

But this is what I did today–and this feels like a major victory: I clicked on the link and I filled it out. It was very simple. Very basic. And took me all of about 20 minutes to complete–not because it was difficult but because I had to gather some documentation. The process allowed me to upload some documents that I need to have easily available anyway so it also offered me a sense of peace beyond just this form.

When I finished, I took a moment to reflect. I felt so empowered by being able to close the loop on something. I could delete it from my inbox knowing it was taken care of. I could respond to my accountant that it was done. I also patted myself on the back and thought of crumbs. 

I realized that an old pattern for me is to leave crumbs. I envisioned a trail of crumbs that started to line up behind me and I could see how the price of those crumbs is my ability to move forward. Defeatingly, I have tended to burden myself with a mess that needs tending behind me. This mess means that I have a lot of distractedness in my brain at any given time. I feel an overwhelming sense of murkiness around what I want. I carry a constant low-level shame about ‘not having my shit together.’ That’s the specific phrase that haunts me

What I’m unsure of is the why of that. Is it because I’m scared to see what I could accomplish if I had a true clean slate and the clear sight of forward motion? Am I just so unused to it that I easily fall into my default position? What is it? I don’t quite know but I also know that the way forward is not to perseverate on answering that question. The way forward is to recognize my behavior and actively change it.

So that’s what I’ll do and hopefully keep a clean(er) path behind me so I can move forward with intention, clarity and most of all, excitement.